May 27, 2000: The Darkest day of my life

I had experienced several ups and downs in my life, but to me, my darkest hour still remains the 27th of May, 2000. How could I forget that day that shattered me, and my life turned out to be nowhere? Today, though, I did fight against the odds and came out a winner, but still, that day remains the darkest moment in my life. I want to assure my readers that I had RW during my B.Sc examination. I never knew that ‘RW’ means ‘Result Withheld’ until I saw my remarks along with the graduation part 2 result posted on the notice board of Sikkim Government College.

With the Botany Honours group at Kolkata

It was some eight years ago that the world was excited about the Y2K bug, and I was part of the crowd at Tadong, Sikkim Government College, nurturing dreams of making it big. I had been staying in a small room at Daragoan those days with two friends, one of whom was my batchmate and the other an old school friend who, at the time, was working independently at a private firm in Tadong. My college batchmate, who is now in a respected position, used to live with a group of friends who spent most of their time loitering around. I was advised by one of his friends from the Humanities Course to take him with me so that he could concentrate more on his studies, as we were competing for Science Courses. I never had any doubt and asked him to stay with me till the examination was completed, which he could not deny.

We used to share our notes and study together till early morning. In those days, we had a habit of writing exercise notes on small chits and keeping them in our pockets, as we could review them whether we were at the toilet, had gone for an outing, or had any free time. Our examination started off, and my botany papers were good. We were busy preparing zoology papers at the time.

On May 27, 2000, we had a zoology second paper. I was prepared, but I never knew something horrible was waiting for me. It happened that my room friend and I shared the same bench, and only the invigilators were in front of us. The big thing was that my friend had the chit we used to study at home, along with him. I could see he was copying it. A little later, he asked the invigilator for permission for a short break, where he mistakenly and unknowingly dropped the small paper on the ground. The note he had brought was mine, with my handwriting in it. After my friend had left the room, I was being watched by one of the invigilators, a humanities lecturer from North East India. He came straight to me and made me stop my answer scripts. He collected that chit paper my friend had dropped and asked me to follow him. I was taken to the Principal, where I was not allowed to speak, as they would cut down my words. The invigilator added that I had been copying for a long time. The only thing I was asked by the principal was whose handwriting that was, and I had no words other than to accept that it was mine. I was told that nothing would happen and was asked to complete the rest of my examination more thoroughly.

I left the college compound and went straight to my room. That evening, I had become popular overnight. Many friends came to visit me and asked me to meet the Principal at his residence to beg for forgiveness. I did the same, but he did not believe me. I told him that I had forgotten the chit in my pocket and I had unknowingly dropped it while taking off my hanger. I could never say that my friend brought it. I even said that they could tally the answers I had written and the answers that were on the chit paper. The Principal just said to do the rest of my examination better. When I returned to my room, I was soulless. I did not know what to tell my parents or what to do with the rest of the papers. The next day, I came across that North East invigilator, he was a bit scared of me, and just added that my case had not been reported. I was helpless, with nothing going through my head.

The hardest part of my college life was to begin; my botany honours lecturer would look at me and talk to me as if I were the culprit. I was insulted on numerous occasions in front of other students. Those lecturers who used to like me began to avoid me. I felt bad and I cried many times. I could never explain them, nor could they read my restless face. My examinations ended along with the practical exam. Two months later, when I came to college to check my result, all I could read was ‘RW’. I asked a friend nearby, and he told me, ‘Result Withheld.’ My darkest fear was growing in my heartbeat. I went on to meet the Principal, who said there shall be an explanation call, and I need to explain to the board committee at Siliguri. He further added that it was good of him that he did not do RA. I never knew what that was when I later came to realize it was Reported Against, which meant more serious than being RW. I was later told that the Botany Honours lecturer on the examination committee could have omitted my name, but he did not show any interest in it.

I was again the centre of attraction at College; I had visitors in my room, some of whom I had not even come across in my two years. I had to tell my parents that I had paid a heavy price for a small mistake that I had not made. I still remember my mother telling me then that whatever happened is gone, and I have that feeling that whatever happens, happens for the best, and move on. I had only one thing on my mind: I did not want to step back; I wanted to complete my graduation and prove it to everyone. The following year was not so good for me, mainly due to the unpleasant approach I had from my lecturers. In my mind, I only knew I was completing my Botany Honours graduation, and I did it. 

Even after such long years, I am still reminded that I was a culprit. I never applied for further studies after my graduation, as I had lost my motivation. Now years after I am setting off a new dream, a dream of becoming a Sikkim Historian. But even to this day, when I find May 27 approaching, my darkest fear does follow me.